Apologies to all drivers who saw a well-padded heathen in a little car mouthing “hurry up you big motherfudger” at them last night. I was attempting to meet my family at a restaurant but the gods of roadworks were not with me. An extra special “oh bollards!” was reserved for the man setting up traffic cones to close the road leading to the restaurant.
Mr V phoned to find out where I was. Unfortunately I didn’t realise he hadn’t hung up afterwards and I was on speakerphone. I hardly ever swear properly, preferring poetic licence to profanity, so my family were treated to an imaginative diatribe about all other drivers as I road raged my way to a Toby Carvery.
I eventually arrived, barrelling through the door like an angry bull in a tartan raincoat, snorting about “all the cars-hole drivers out there.” One lemonade later though, I was calm and lovely. Ready to take on as many roast potatoes as a Toby could provide. Ready to guide granny through the process of booking something via an app without breaking the internet. Ready to accuse that saucy minx grandad of being irresistible in his new sensible jumper. But sadly not ready to deal with a barrier system erected in front of the carvery. There was only one way in, which involved walking all the way to the end of the restaurant then doubling back on ourselves. Or I could Break All The Rules 😱 and duck under the barrier right next to our table. Decisions, decisions.
I followed the rules. Because I’m conditioned to function in society and because my family tend to frown on me getting them thrown out of restaurants. There was also granny to consider. She had half an eye on the pudding menu and to deny a woman her pudding would be unacceptable. Pudding is an unassailable human right. It’s enshrined in law! Article 93 – no person shall interfere with a woman’s right to pudding, cake, gin, cocktails, wine and men in kilts. So I just did some rebellious muttering about having done my 10,000 steps for a slice of roast beef and resisted calling someone fowl names (out loud) when they caused a traffic jam in the queue for turkey 😀