How to drive your teenager. A manual for parents, grandparents and anyone else who thinks they’re in charge. Although you shouldn’t need a manual because your teenager knows everything.
1. Your teenager will refuse to start on cold mornings. Or any mornings. To start your teenager try a combination of threats, promises and junk food. Cash also works.
2. To avoid breakdowns, DO NOT offer your teenager vegetables.
3. If your teenager is low on fuel immediately go to your nearest McDonalds filling station.
4. Once started, select a gear. If your teenager opens the (full) fridge and roars “THERE IS NO FOOD IN THIS HOUSE” you may wish to select reverse and get out of there.
5. During the drive be prepared to have no control over the music playing. You will find that the volume has only one setting (very loud) and any attempt by you to turn it down will result in it mysteriously rising again within a few seconds. The lyrics will be intended to shock. Channel your inner Stephen Fry and provide a commentary. In a posh, polite voice say things like “oh that’s very good. Your father also likes to call me a slutty ho.” This is particularly effective when done in front of their friends. You will find that playlists are moderated in future.
6. Be sure to check your mirrors. They tend to attract rather a lot of pus.
7. A bin is useful for any detritus accrued on the journey. Your teenager will not know what a bin is and you may have to regularly text photographs to remind them. On a similar note, you may keep snacks in the glove compartment but when hungry be prepared to find the snacks gone and the empty boxes left behind.
8. Your teenager will frequently tell you that you’re a terrible driver and they hate you. Sometimes they will act out to the point where you worry that your teenager is right and all the other drivers must also think you’re a dreadful driver. Don’t worry about what other drivers think or do. Stick to your lane and keep on trucking. But please be aware that any accidents or other disasters your teenager causes are all your fault. Don’t worry if you forget this, your teenager will remind you frequently.
9. To maintain your teenager you will need to look after the bodywork. If male, apply a thick layer of Nike then finish off with an Armani hoodie. If female, apply eyebrow pencil liberally. Possibly too liberally. You will also have to do a regular deep clean. 3 litres of spot and blackhead wash per teenager per day should do the trick. If your teenager is a boy then it is recommended that you follow this up with at least 5 cans of Lynx.
10. Your teenage boy may have unexpected emissions from the exhaust pipe. Regular changes of bedding and a box of tissues will help. Remind your teenagers of the importance of covering up the exhaust pipe before parking in lady garages. Nobody wants an unplanned Mini 😉